It was impossible to see anything. Annabeth peered out her apartment window, an action that seemed to happen everyday. A thick fog had completely covered the entire town. Laughing to herself, Annabeth thought about the contrast between the illuminating event that only occurred days before and the fog that left everything dark. It was ironic really, how the shooting star lit up the town bringing hopes and wishes with it, now the town was in an opposite state. It was almost as if someone with a larger look at life was laughing at the town for thinking that our problems could be solved by simply wishing on a star.
With that positive note in mind, Annabeth got ready to leave for work, giving herself a few extra minutes due to the fog. Her hand was on the doorknob when she noticed the newspaper that was delivered that morning. When it was delivered earlier that morning, Annabeth wasn’t awake enough to actually read the cover page. Now, as it sat on the table by her front door, Annabeth got a good look at it. Not only was the paper from six years ago but Mr. Evans wasn’t the first person to be murdered in this town like she had originally thought.
A lull at work brought Annabeth’s thoughts back to the newspaper and the fact that it was the one from six years ago. She began to think about what she was doing six years ago. She was in her second year of college and was still trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. That year was the year everything began to clear up for her, she finally lost the extra weight she had been trying to lose since high school and she decided to become a nurse.
After reminiscing, Annabeth attention was brought back to the other aspect of the newspaper. Something she wasn’t aware of. The murder of Mr. Maitland’s brother, Ether. Based on the information in the newspaper and the extra research Annabeth did, the murder went unsolved. Something lit up in the back on Annabeth’s head. What if the murder of Mr. Maitland’s brother and Mr. Evans were related. The wheels in Annabeth’s head began to spin, she had to tell Linh her theory, as far fetched as it sounded.
With that positive note in mind, Annabeth got ready to leave for work, giving herself a few extra minutes due to the fog. Her hand was on the doorknob when she noticed the newspaper that was delivered that morning. When it was delivered earlier that morning, Annabeth wasn’t awake enough to actually read the cover page. Now, as it sat on the table by her front door, Annabeth got a good look at it. Not only was the paper from six years ago but Mr. Evans wasn’t the first person to be murdered in this town like she had originally thought.
A lull at work brought Annabeth’s thoughts back to the newspaper and the fact that it was the one from six years ago. She began to think about what she was doing six years ago. She was in her second year of college and was still trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. That year was the year everything began to clear up for her, she finally lost the extra weight she had been trying to lose since high school and she decided to become a nurse.
After reminiscing, Annabeth attention was brought back to the other aspect of the newspaper. Something she wasn’t aware of. The murder of Mr. Maitland’s brother, Ether. Based on the information in the newspaper and the extra research Annabeth did, the murder went unsolved. Something lit up in the back on Annabeth’s head. What if the murder of Mr. Maitland’s brother and Mr. Evans were related. The wheels in Annabeth’s head began to spin, she had to tell Linh her theory, as far fetched as it sounded.
My first step was giving a quick smile to the neighbor as we rode the elevator down. In response to my smile she said, "Hi, I'm Annabeth! I haven't seen you around here, you must have just moved here or something?" Before I replied, as we were walking out the front door, I promptly evaluated her and approved because of the cute top she was wearing. "Relatively! We came down from the Hamptons a few months ago... we definitely aren't in New York anymore especially with fog like this."
ReplyDeleteGood sentence:
ReplyDeleteSomething lit up in the back on Annabeth’s head. - simple, straight to the point, and not forced.
It was almost as if someone with a larger look at life was laughing at the town for thinking that our problems could be solved by simply wishing on a star. - references a previous post, continuity, imagery
The wheels in Annabeth’s head began to spin, she had to tell Linh her theory, as far fetched as it sounded.- moves plot
Question about what you want to know:
How does Annabeth think Mr. Evans and Ether are connected?
Does she have some sort of connection to Ether?
What does she look like now?
One thing you’re unclear about:
What is her history with the town?
How long has she been there?
Why is she there?
Does she have any close relationships?
Development suggestion:
Add more short snippets of imagery to enhance the reader’s investment into what she sees and thinks
Include more that the reader might question, more mystery. Everything is laid on the table.
Maybe more description of setting to anchor the story